EFT and Shame

Little is discussed in the EFT world about the emotion of shame. Guilt and feeling ashamed do present themselves on occasion while tapping, with guilt being the most predominate one of the three, but rarely does shame turn up.

Let’s establish a definition of each one.

Guilt tends to be our inner conscience telling us we did something wrong, a behavior that was immoral, a mistake or a perception of a bad behavior, leading us to a remorseful feeling, and eventually bringing us to conviction by the Holy Spirit to repent of our sin (Cor. 7:10).

Ashamed is a feeling of embarrassment or regret about something we ourselves did, an action we took against another, which led to exposure of us, or of our motives.

Shame, however, I believe, is the strongest and the most destructive of all three emotions.

Shamefulness focuses on oneself. It is attached to personal distress, giving the person a dark, foreboding sense that there is something seriously wrong with them. It is horribly negative and highly charged. Failure, hurt, and helplessness are intertwined under the umbrella of shame. Because of the helpless factor, shame can be a major cause of childhood trauma, leading to PTSD.

Shame focuses on who one is. Often mothers tell their children, “Shame on you,” when a child exhibits a behavior the mother dislikes.  Most times it is not the child the parent detests, but the behavior; however, stating it as a personal affront, the child can perceive it as there is something embarrassing or humiliating about them. The child can see himself as disgraceful, a failure, a bad person, as unimportant, or even unlovable. The tone of the parent’s voice, or their actions, such as wagging a finger at the child, burns those words ever more deeply in the subconscious of the child’s mind.  No doubt the child deeply feels within their physiology all of that sensory information around that statement.  

Shame becomes internalized contributing to who we really think we are, leading eventually to feelings of disconnection from everyone because we see ourselves in a negative light.

If a child feels shame from a parent who rears them, perceiving that he is not lovable, there is no way the child can feel attached to that parent. If the child feels defective, no one could possibly love them, including the parent. This perception carries over into adulthood in most cases.

Shame underlies many of our negative adult behaviors including infidelity (we keep looking for someone to love us), depression (there is no hope of ever being loved because I am a mistake and I belong to no one anywhere), substance abuse (anything to drown out the voices that keep telling us that there is nothing good about me), or pornography (using someone else to make me feel better).

There is absolutely nothing helpful about shame. It simply destroys the individual emotionally, and eventually kills the spirit to live, occasionally leading to suicide.

Shame drives us away from community. We can never allow any vulnerability at all. If another human being found out what I really am all about, rejection is sure to come, causing more shame. Fear of being judged or condemned by others keeps one from ever opening up about their true self.

There is not enough hope in the universe to ever help one who is overcome with shame believe anything in life will ever change. Few people will chance telling another what they feel for fear of further rejection, compounding the pain. The biggest fear of the shamed one is someone else finding out how badly they actually feel inside.

Shame is a universal feeling of self-hate, inferiority, fear of exposure, and humiliation packed into a vessel of complete separation from mankind, and from God Himself. It is packed together with the sense of loss of reputation, disgrace, dishonor, loss of belonging, along with the loss of integrity and virtue.

Underneath shame are core beliefs such as: “I’m a phony, I’m a bad person, I don’t deserve anything in life, it’s all my own fault, I’m a mistake, I’m damaged, I’m flawed, I am wrong, I am worthless, I’m inadequate, I’m dirty, I am unworthy, I hate myself, I’m an idiot, I’m stupid”, etc.

Shame shows up as anxiety, anger, depression, exaggerated pride, total helplessness, externalized blame, prejudice, envy, boasting, bullying, hate, judgmental attitudes, bigotry, righteousness, revenge and grudges, physical complaints, all types of antisocial behavior including gang membership and sexual performance clubs with anger tending to be the underlying emotion that triggers the others.

Shameful feelings are always seeking validation where one will constantly apologize for their behavior, or they will never apologize for anything for fear someone will once again shame them. An abusive relationship is better than no relationship. Those who carry shame gravitate to other needy people because they feel no “healthy” person would tolerate them. Shamed people will go to great lengths to garner approval, such as work extra-long hours or do the jobs no one else wants to do, or do anything to not receive criticism, as that indicates withdrawal of approval. Over-sensitization and fear dominate the life of a shamed person. It may well be the root cause of those who label themselves “hypersensitive” because they feel vulnerable about everything in life.

Shame often is intergenerational. If a parent has a core emotion of shame, walking through life in a joyless manner and isolated from others, the offspring learn the same behaviors and feelings, personalizing them from the parent who has little encouragement or love to offer because they themselves never had any to give.

Physical symptoms include chest heaviness, slumped shoulders where a person is attempting to minimized themselves so no one can criticize them, no eye contact, halting or hesitant speech, completely giving up making any decisions for themselves, allowing others to care for them because they cannot trust their own decision making, low energy, nausea, flushing or embarrassment when anyone speaks or looks their way, and isolation from others physically and emotionally.

Psychologists believe shame tends to begin early in childhood, most likely infancy, when the mother-child attachment bond is disrupted, and the baby perceives an emotion of not being wanted or loved by the parent.

Although shame tends primarily to come from the outside from an authority figure who has criticized or withheld love and attention, it can also be caused by one’s own actions, and the feelings that follow the mistake one made. It can be all mixed together with feeling of being ashamed for a sin or an unintended mistake. One goes from feeling ashamed of their behavior to shame inside for making the mistake or doing the deed in the first place, i.e. “I should have known better or I should have acted better.”

As a Christian, we have a Savior who has taken on Himself all our shame as He died on the Cross at Calvary. Jesus Himself experienced extreme shame, as He was hung as a result of our actions and sins while completely exposed and naked. Jesus was guiltless but He took on all the shame of mankind at His death, and defeated it all!

Romans 8:1-2 reads, “There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death.”

EFT is a wonderful God-given tool to deal with shame. Shame is a core emotion that can destroy us physically and emotionally if not dealt with adequately. It is like acid that continues to eat us up inside day after day.

Several points need to be made about using EFT on the emotion of shame.

Confess any part or piece of any incidents that involve shame to God, asking for forgiveness and repenting of any wrongdoing. This may include behaviors that were acted upon because of the feelings of shame. They all must be confessed to repair the vertical relationship with God.

When we hurt, we find something outside ourselves to salve that pain. The behaviors we use to cover up the pain often times are wrong and sinful.

Pray and ask the Holy Spirit to bring to mind any memories or behaviors that need to confessed and healed, and then tap on those after confessing them.

The memories around the shame and the subsequent behavior will most likely not go away, but with the tapping the emotions around the memories will be cleansed; however, first the memories must be confessed if they were hurtful to God or another person. The tapping will relieve the repetitious wave of shame that comes from the memory.

Sometimes, and this is not mandatory, it is helpful to find some Scripture passages that reveal God’s truth about whatever the shame based memories were. Perhaps write those down and repeat them until they are memorized. Fill in that mindful space where satan’s lies were removed with the Word of God.

You may feel led by the Holy Spirit to make restitution to a person whom you have hurt with the sinful behavior. If God tells you to apologize, then do so. If it is a monetary mistake you made, you may want to consider following the Scriptural mandate of double restitution.

Be vigilant and mindful watching carefully for any further condemnation satan my try to bring upon you based on past thoughts and behaviors. If any of those thoughts bring with them a physiological response, take the time to tap on them, too. They probably are remaining aspects of the shame based behavior. The more aspects you tap and remove, the less power satan has to condemn you based on past behaviors.

God is faithful and just to forgive our sins.  “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness” (I John 1:9).

Apparently, with many people laden with shame (and guilt), we Christians need to make it easier and safer for others to be transparent, allowing for honest conversation about our hurts and pains. Taking the time to listen to others explain in detail what they feel and what happened in the past that got them to this point, gives the hurting person the validation they so desperately seek.

Christian EFT practitioners are in the perfect God-given position to do just this. Listening to a client in a non-judgmental manner tell their lifelong story of pain and hurt allows for this deep, honest conversation. It is this conversation coupled with the physiological tapping and confession, if needed,  that will lead to a full healing of the emotion of shame, opening up an entirely new world of relationships for that client.

Remember to take personal responsibility for your own emotional and physical health. If your shame based emotions are deep and you feel difficult to work with, please hire a certified Christian EFT practitioner to help you.

Sherrie Rice Smith, R.N. (Retired)
Certified Emotional Freedom Techniques Practitioner

Author EFT for Christians (2015)

EFTUniverse Trainer

EFTforChristians.com 

EFT for our Military Vets - Help Available!

I appeal to you all!  Please continue to pass the word about free Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT) for our military, particularly all our vets from Korea, Viet Nam & the Mideast.

Yes, they get this for a lower cost - up to 8 hours with a specially trained practitioners who deal with symptoms of insomnia, hypervigilance, substance abuse, anger, guilt, etc. Family members are also helped by calling the same phone number.

All that is needed is a phone call to Heather at her number on the website I'm listing below.  All practitioners are specifically trained to help the veterans.

Have them call today - please! We owe them a normal life!

http://stressproject.org/

For more information, go to  www.eftforchristians.com

To schedule a free 15 minute consultation to see if EFT is right for you, email me at EFTforChristians@gmail.com

Always remember to take complete responsibility for your own health and well-being. EFT is NOT a substitute for medical care.

Sherrie Rice Smith, R.N. Retired
Certified EFT Coach
Author of EFT for Christians (on Amazon)
EFTforChristians.com 

Guilt from an Abortion 30 Years Ago Gone with Christian EFT

Recently, I had an EFT session request from an out of state relative with whom I’ve had a few email/phone exchanges about the subject. Annette had downloaded the EFTUniverse.com mini-manual & tapping site sheet & she had done a bit of tapping on her own on a few personal issues, such as a headache & anxiety with good success. What she wanted to discuss was bigger than she figured she could handle on her own. We made a noon appointment to do EFT over the phone. When she answered the phone, I made sure she had the tapping site sheet available, along with a class of water. I had texted her earlier in the morning to remind her to find the tapping paper. Once again, I made sure Annette understood that I would tell her where I wanted her to tap and how I needed her to repeat what I said. If she didn’t feel connected to my words to please change them in any manner she felt appropriate, as this was her session, not mine. I was simply guiding her. A word of explanation to the tapping community here – I’m a Christian EFT coach which means that if I have a Christian client, I will pray with the client before we begin a session, asking the Holy Spirit’s guidance. I will also use Christian-based tapping phrases. I have used this in multiple cases and it works just as well, if not better, than the standard EFT phrases. My clients connect with these phrases better, as do I. Annette indicated to me that she had a fairly high anxiety & stress level, pre-anticipatory grief over the soon to happen death of her father, who is quite ill. Her SUDS was a 7, on a scale of 0 - 10. The set-up: Even though I have all this stress because I know Dad is going to die soon, I know God loves me. Even though my anxiety level is through the roof, I know Jesus loves me. Even though I’m already worrying about how I’m going to handle all the hassles of the estate with my brothers and sisters after Dad passes, I know God loves me very much. TH: I can’t stand all this stress about Dad. EB: I’m nearly beside myself worrying about all the stuff I will have to handle. SE: I know the other kids are going to give me all kinds of grief about the house. BE: I can’t live here forever; the house is too big. UL: I won’t have anywhere to go when Dad dies. CH: I can’t imagine I will be able to handle all this. CB: All this work that is going to fall on me when Dad dies, so I try to keep him alive as long as possible. UA: DAD’S dying and I can deal with that, as he is old, it’s all the after stuff that is so hard to think about. We did a couple rounds of tapping around these issues with Annette changing a few words here & there to match what she was feeling. At this point I stopped her & had her drink some water, deep breathe, and tell me where she was with her SUDS & what she was now thinking. SUDS had come down to a 3 or 4, but a new aspect had arisen. “I talked to Jimmy about this, but I think I deserve all this hassle & I shouldn’t be complaining at all about it because I had that abortion in high school.” Annette went on and on for a good 15 minutes about this issue, so I let her talk, as I had time, but I told her to keep tapping while she “ranted”. By this time her SUDS went back up to a 6. We tapped: TH: I deserve all this hassle. EB: It’s all my own fault that I have to deal with this. SE: I know God has forgiven me, but I still feel guilty. UE: When I don’t feel guilty, I feel guilty because I don’t feel guilty, and I think I should be feeling guilty. UL: I worry about what other people are thinking. They think I should have more remorse than I’m showing. CH: How can I face that child in heaven? I killed that baby. CB: I deserve what I get taking care of Dad. I caused it all. UA: This is my punishment for what I did. Someone has to make up for killing that baby. We stopped after 2 rounds, reevaluated, drank some water, and tested. The SUDS was down to a 2. Annette brought out another aspect that popped up. “I have no self control with food. I have all these weight issues which are punishment, too, for what I did”. Hesitantly, she went on about lack of interest in sexual matters and my body is “tired and not holding up well”. She was frustrated with herself, “doctors, insurance, and hospitals”. She discussed for a short time the Catholic Church teachings on sexuality now that the subject was opened up. Her SUDS went back up to a 10. No setup done again. We went right back to tapping. TH: I’m disgusted with myself. EB: I have no self-control. I just keep stuffing food in my mouth. SE: I’ve gained all this weight & I can’t keep up in life. UE: I’ve lost all interest in sex and Jimmy just keeps going. UL: I’m just so tired keeping up with Dad and the kids. CH: I’m frustrated with myself that I can’t seem to be able to do this job. CB: I’m tired of all the doctors, insurance and hospitals. They wear me out, too. UA: I’m so very disgusted with myself, but I know God still loves me. After 3 rounds with the above reminder phrases, we again stopped to check where she was. Some deep breaths, a drink of water, and a short break told me she was still at a 7. Because this was a phone session and I was listening extremely intently to any changes in her voice, I knew she was starting to break down, as her voice was cracking. I knew she was near to tears. Asking how she was, Annette told me this all brought back an incident from when she was aged 12. I had at one of the previous breaks quickly explained to her that EFT was particularly effective, if one could link the present emotion to a childhood event. Annette had just come up with a childhood event. I told her to keep tapping while she told me this story: While playing around an old building with some friends, playing hide & seek, a man ran up to her and grabbed her across the chest on “my boobs”, then ran off. None of her friends witnessed it, but she told them about it when they returned. Her girlfriends asked why she hadn’t screamed. “I tried, but nothing came out”, was her answer. Of course, none of them believed her, so one of her friends asked, “Did you enjoy it?” Her answer was an emphatic “no”, but she had realized she had a bit of sexual arousal around the event, so in set the guilt & conflict over not being able to scream and the “nice” feelings. “I was a coward for not standing up for myself. I was too weak to scream. I was too weak to say no to the abortion. I was too scared to make a decision about anything. And now I can’t make any decisions about much of anything either,” all came streaming out without a break. I quickly asked for a SUDS which I suspected was pretty high because the tears were really beginning to flow. Again, no set-up, as she was definitely in the moment & her SUDS was an 8 & she was in tune with her intense feelings. I asked if she had Kleenex. She did. I could hear her blowing her nose…a lot! TH: I’m a coward. EB: I don’t know how to stand up for myself. SE: I was too weak to say no to the abortion. UE: I’m too scared to make any decisions about anything. UL: I tried to scream. Nothing came out. CH: I’m such a coward. CB: I’m weak. UA: I don’t know how to stand up for myself. Crying had slowed a bit, so I continued. TH: I was alone when that man came. EB: I told my girlfriends what had happened. SE: They asked why I didn’t scream. UE: I did scream, but nothing came out of my mouth UL: He grabbed my boobs. CH: I was so surprised and embarrassed. CB: Did you enjoy it? UA: Did you enjoy it? Crying began again, so I continued. I knew I was hitting a really sore spot with Annette and I wanted to disarm it quickly and thoroughly. TH: Did you enjoy it? EB: I couldn’t scream. SE: He grabbed my boobs. UE: Did you enjoy it? UL: No one believed me. He ran off. CH: I feel guilty because it aroused me. CB: I feel that guilt, but I know God has forgiven me. UA: God forgave me, as I was only 12 and it wasn’t my fault. I didn’t ask for it. Crying slowed again, but I did another round on the hand points on the last 4 phrases as above to make sure the issue was gone. We reevaluated again, along with getting another glass of water for both of us, and taking some deep breaths. Annette said she felt much better and had a SUDS of 2. Another aspect change showed up, as Annette’s voice softened and I knew she was thinking about something else now. “That progression of growing up with so much immorality. All that feminity. I allowed guys to walk all over me. I was so promiscuous. I never told Jimmy too much of it because I feared it would damage our relationship. He didn’t want to know he said. I was taught right and wrong. I feel so guilty. I remember feeling like trash. I was always heavy and bigger than my older sisters, but everyone told me I wasn’t heavy, I was just big boned. I was told I looked like Dad, and Dad always had weight issues until recently, so I figured I would be fat, too”. “What am I going to say to that baby when we meet in heaven?” I assured her that the baby is in heaven and I suspect the baby will run to her, wrapping her arms around Annette, saying, “Hi, Mom!”. I asked Annette if she had confessed her sin to Jesus. “A hundred times, but I still feel so guilty”, she answered. I had her tapping while she talked. Usually, I would ask a client where they physically felt all these issues, but Annette had no problems articulating what she was feeling, nor did she have any problems getting into the moment of the issues. She was such an easy client to work with even though this was all being done over the phone! She was once again beginning to cry. I asked her to give me 2 different SUD levels – one on the “immorality” and another on the weight issue. Both were 10s. I decided to do one at a time, rather than confuse the issues. This would enable me to know where the SUDS level was on 2 different issues, and make sure I disarmed both of them adequately. We began again without a setup, as she was sniffling quite a bit, with me tapping using her own words: TH: All that growing up. EB: So much immorality. SE: I allowed guys to walk all over me. UE: I never told Jimmy much of this. UL: I felt like trash. CH: I’m ashamed of myself. CB: I went to all those clubs and drank like a fish night after night. UA: All this guilt over that behavior. Next round continued as I could hear the crying subsiding, but not completely: TH: All this immorality. EB: I didn’t feel too feminine, so I let the men walk all over me. SE: Those men used me & I let them. UE: I knew right from wrong. I was taught better than this. UL: I feel so guilty. CH: If I tell Jimmy, it might damage my marriage. CB: I felt like trash. UA: I still feel like trash. Again, the crying was nearly finished, so I went one more round: TH: I feel like trash & I killed that baby, but I know God loves me. EB: I feel so ashamed, but I know Jesus died on the Cross for me & this shame. SE: I feel so guilty because I killed my baby, but I know Jesus loves me very much. UE: I let men use me because I wouldn’t stand up for myself, like I didn’t stand up for myself when I was 12. UL: I think I can let myself forgive me because God loves me & forgives me. CH: I think I can forgive myself because Jesus forgives me. CB: I do forgive myself. UA: I do forgive myself because Jesus has forgiven me & has tossed those sins as far as the east is from the west. Annette was down to a 2 on the sexual immorality guilt & shame and she wanted to leave just a little to remind her of how she had behaved in her younger years & to keep her from never taking for granted all the forgiveness God and other people have given her for these issues. That was her choice and I honored that, as I know that at times that the SUDS of 2 might well drop lower as the calm & peace of the EFT effects set in. We next tackled the 10 SUDS issue of weight: TH: I was bigger than my older sisters by the time I was 8. EB: I’m not heavy, I’m big-boned everyone told me. SE: I’m so ashamed of my size. UE: I look like Dad & he always had weight issues. UL: I figured I would always be fat like Dad since I looked like him. CH: I was bigger than Sis and that made me feel fat. CB: I think I can forgive myself for my weight. UA: I know I can forgive myself for my weight. We did a 2nd round on this with the second round emphasizing the forgiveness part a bit more and this weight issue dropped like a rock to a big fat 0! Pun intended! Annette was elated on how wonderfully relieved she felt and wanted to leave the session right there. Her following comment emphasis revolved around the Christian aspect of forgiveness and “how much God does love me”, which she says, “I needed to hear, so thank you.” I gave her instructions to keep tapping daily, but not to neglect her prayers, confessing her sins daily, particularly making sure she went over her day with the kids mentally and tapping away any problems or issues, so they didn’t build up into some larger emotional issue. She is to call me to set up another appointment when she is ready, or email me if she gets stuck, allowing me to help her frame out the wording, etc. It was a classic EFT session, Christian style. I checked on her via email the next day and Annette was thrilled because “I feel so calm today and I don’t know why!” I giggled and told her, it is the EFT. That’s the way it works! 8/12/13 Another text arrived from Annette thanking me again for taking time to tap with her. “I’ve never had this much peace in my life. Many of my fears and anxieties are gone. I’ve lived with those for years. God is so good. I’m grateful He sent me to you. I’m sorry Bill died, but what a benefit to me that he did. I reconnected with you.” For more information, go to www.eftforchristians.com To schedule a free 15 minute EFT consultation session, email me at eftforchristians@gmail.com Always remember to take complete responsibility for your own health and well-being. Contact a medical professional, if necessary.