Little is discussed in the EFT world about the emotion of shame. Guilt and feeling ashamed do present themselves on occasion while tapping, with guilt being the most predominate one of the three, but rarely does shame turn up.
Let’s establish a definition of each one.
Guilt tends to be our inner conscience telling us we did something wrong, a behavior that was immoral, a mistake or a perception of a bad behavior, leading us to a remorseful feeling, and eventually bringing us to conviction by the Holy Spirit to repent of our sin (Cor. 7:10).
Ashamed is a feeling of embarrassment or regret about something we ourselves did, an action we took against another, which led to exposure of us, or of our motives.
Shame, however, I believe, is the strongest and the most destructive of all three emotions.
Shamefulness focuses on oneself. It is attached to personal distress, giving the person a dark, foreboding sense that there is something seriously wrong with them. It is horribly negative and highly charged. Failure, hurt, and helplessness are intertwined under the umbrella of shame. Because of the helpless factor, shame can be a major cause of childhood trauma, leading to PTSD.
Shame focuses on who one is. Often mothers tell their children, “Shame on you,” when a child exhibits a behavior the mother dislikes. Most times it is not the child the parent detests, but the behavior; however, stating it as a personal affront, the child can perceive it as there is something embarrassing or humiliating about them. The child can see himself as disgraceful, a failure, a bad person, as unimportant, or even unlovable. The tone of the parent’s voice, or their actions, such as wagging a finger at the child, burns those words ever more deeply in the subconscious of the child’s mind. No doubt the child deeply feels within their physiology all of that sensory information around that statement.
Shame becomes internalized contributing to who we really think we are, leading eventually to feelings of disconnection from everyone because we see ourselves in a negative light.
If a child feels shame from a parent who rears them, perceiving that he is not lovable, there is no way the child can feel attached to that parent. If the child feels defective, no one could possibly love them, including the parent. This perception carries over into adulthood in most cases.
Shame underlies many of our negative adult behaviors including infidelity (we keep looking for someone to love us), depression (there is no hope of ever being loved because I am a mistake and I belong to no one anywhere), substance abuse (anything to drown out the voices that keep telling us that there is nothing good about me), or pornography (using someone else to make me feel better).
There is absolutely nothing helpful about shame. It simply destroys the individual emotionally, and eventually kills the spirit to live, occasionally leading to suicide.
Shame drives us away from community. We can never allow any vulnerability at all. If another human being found out what I really am all about, rejection is sure to come, causing more shame. Fear of being judged or condemned by others keeps one from ever opening up about their true self.
There is not enough hope in the universe to ever help one who is overcome with shame believe anything in life will ever change. Few people will chance telling another what they feel for fear of further rejection, compounding the pain. The biggest fear of the shamed one is someone else finding out how badly they actually feel inside.
Shame is a universal feeling of self-hate, inferiority, fear of exposure, and humiliation packed into a vessel of complete separation from mankind, and from God Himself. It is packed together with the sense of loss of reputation, disgrace, dishonor, loss of belonging, along with the loss of integrity and virtue.
Underneath shame are core beliefs such as: “I’m a phony, I’m a bad person, I don’t deserve anything in life, it’s all my own fault, I’m a mistake, I’m damaged, I’m flawed, I am wrong, I am worthless, I’m inadequate, I’m dirty, I am unworthy, I hate myself, I’m an idiot, I’m stupid”, etc.
Shame shows up as anxiety, anger, depression, exaggerated pride, total helplessness, externalized blame, prejudice, envy, boasting, bullying, hate, judgmental attitudes, bigotry, righteousness, revenge and grudges, physical complaints, all types of antisocial behavior including gang membership and sexual performance clubs with anger tending to be the underlying emotion that triggers the others.
Shameful feelings are always seeking validation where one will constantly apologize for their behavior, or they will never apologize for anything for fear someone will once again shame them. An abusive relationship is better than no relationship. Those who carry shame gravitate to other needy people because they feel no “healthy” person would tolerate them. Shamed people will go to great lengths to garner approval, such as work extra-long hours or do the jobs no one else wants to do, or do anything to not receive criticism, as that indicates withdrawal of approval. Over-sensitization and fear dominate the life of a shamed person. It may well be the root cause of those who label themselves “hypersensitive” because they feel vulnerable about everything in life.
Shame often is intergenerational. If a parent has a core emotion of shame, walking through life in a joyless manner and isolated from others, the offspring learn the same behaviors and feelings, personalizing them from the parent who has little encouragement or love to offer because they themselves never had any to give.
Physical symptoms include chest heaviness, slumped shoulders where a person is attempting to minimized themselves so no one can criticize them, no eye contact, halting or hesitant speech, completely giving up making any decisions for themselves, allowing others to care for them because they cannot trust their own decision making, low energy, nausea, flushing or embarrassment when anyone speaks or looks their way, and isolation from others physically and emotionally.
Psychologists believe shame tends to begin early in childhood, most likely infancy, when the mother-child attachment bond is disrupted, and the baby perceives an emotion of not being wanted or loved by the parent.
Although shame tends primarily to come from the outside from an authority figure who has criticized or withheld love and attention, it can also be caused by one’s own actions, and the feelings that follow the mistake one made. It can be all mixed together with feeling of being ashamed for a sin or an unintended mistake. One goes from feeling ashamed of their behavior to shame inside for making the mistake or doing the deed in the first place, i.e. “I should have known better or I should have acted better.”
As a Christian, we have a Savior who has taken on Himself all our shame as He died on the Cross at Calvary. Jesus Himself experienced extreme shame, as He was hung as a result of our actions and sins while completely exposed and naked. Jesus was guiltless but He took on all the shame of mankind at His death, and defeated it all!
Romans 8:1-2 reads, “There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death.”
EFT is a wonderful God-given tool to deal with shame. Shame is a core emotion that can destroy us physically and emotionally if not dealt with adequately. It is like acid that continues to eat us up inside day after day.
Several points need to be made about using EFT on the emotion of shame.
Confess any part or piece of any incidents that involve shame to God, asking for forgiveness and repenting of any wrongdoing. This may include behaviors that were acted upon because of the feelings of shame. They all must be confessed to repair the vertical relationship with God.
When we hurt, we find something outside ourselves to salve that pain. The behaviors we use to cover up the pain often times are wrong and sinful.
Pray and ask the Holy Spirit to bring to mind any memories or behaviors that need to confessed and healed, and then tap on those after confessing them.
The memories around the shame and the subsequent behavior will most likely not go away, but with the tapping the emotions around the memories will be cleansed; however, first the memories must be confessed if they were hurtful to God or another person. The tapping will relieve the repetitious wave of shame that comes from the memory.
Sometimes, and this is not mandatory, it is helpful to find some Scripture passages that reveal God’s truth about whatever the shame based memories were. Perhaps write those down and repeat them until they are memorized. Fill in that mindful space where satan’s lies were removed with the Word of God.
You may feel led by the Holy Spirit to make restitution to a person whom you have hurt with the sinful behavior. If God tells you to apologize, then do so. If it is a monetary mistake you made, you may want to consider following the Scriptural mandate of double restitution.
Be vigilant and mindful watching carefully for any further condemnation satan my try to bring upon you based on past thoughts and behaviors. If any of those thoughts bring with them a physiological response, take the time to tap on them, too. They probably are remaining aspects of the shame based behavior. The more aspects you tap and remove, the less power satan has to condemn you based on past behaviors.
God is faithful and just to forgive our sins. “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness” (I John 1:9).
Apparently, with many people laden with shame (and guilt), we Christians need to make it easier and safer for others to be transparent, allowing for honest conversation about our hurts and pains. Taking the time to listen to others explain in detail what they feel and what happened in the past that got them to this point, gives the hurting person the validation they so desperately seek.
Christian EFT practitioners are in the perfect God-given position to do just this. Listening to a client in a non-judgmental manner tell their lifelong story of pain and hurt allows for this deep, honest conversation. It is this conversation coupled with the physiological tapping and confession, if needed, that will lead to a full healing of the emotion of shame, opening up an entirely new world of relationships for that client.
Remember to take personal responsibility for your own emotional and physical health. If your shame based emotions are deep and you feel difficult to work with, please hire a certified Christian EFT practitioner to help you.
Sherrie Rice Smith, R.N. (Retired)
Certified Emotional Freedom Techniques Practitioner
EFTUniverse Trainer
EFTforChristians.com
